When Should Parents Talk To Kids About Porn? That’s the question an interviewer asked me today.
The answer is: now. Especially if you haven’t talked to your kids about porn lately. Just like a single conversation isn’t enough to cover everything a kid needs to know about nutrition or bike safety as he or she grows, it isn’t enough to cover the subject of porn. Or the even more complex subject of sexuality.
Here are some key points of the interview.
* There is no “The Sex Talk” with kids. Rather, there’s a conversation that lasts 15 or 20 years—or longer, if you’re fortunate enough to have a relationship with your young adult kids.
* You don’t want porn to be the topic of the first talk you have with your kids about sex. Therefore, go talk with them about sex now, preparing the vocabulary and concepts for upcoming conversations about porn.
* Porn is part of the larger, long-term series of conversations about sex we have with our kids. Those talks involve how bodies work, what to expect from puberty, how to tell someone you like them, how to make good decisions (and how alcohol makes that difficult), why different people have sex, what to do if you feel pressured, and more.
* Porn isn’t made for kids, and we don’t want them watching it. Nevertheless, they need preparation for the watching that they’re going to do, whether it’s intentional or not. This is NOT a double message: we want them to bike safely, but require they wear a helmet; we want them to drive safely, but require them to wear a seat belt.
* When we talk to kids about porn, here are some subjects we need to cover:
~ Porn isn’t made for you;
~ Real sex doesn’t feel like porn looks;
~ Porn involves unusual bodies in unusual circumstances doing unusual things;
~ Adults sometimes play sex games that can be confusing for a kid to understand;
~ There’s a lot of preparation off-camera that we don’t see—the script, the planning, the use of products like lube and Viagra and contraception;
~ While many adults are OK about porn (for other adults), some adults totally object to anyone watching it;
~ You might think sexting is harmless, but it is really, really against the law, and if you do it you can really, really get in trouble with the police. If you get a sexy picture you didn’t ask for, please come and see me—I promise I won’t punish you.
* If you’re embarrassed to talk to your kids about sex or porn, say “I’m embarrassed.” Then talk anyway.
Posted in Pornography & Porn Addiction, Sexual Intelligence Blog
