How do I talk to my partner about what I like in the bedroom?
If you’re like us, you’ve experienced the stigma around talking and learning about sex and admitting your curiosity. In these articles, we hope to add excitement and enjoyment in your life, by answering the sexual health questions you're too afraid to ask. Have additional questions? Contact our friendly "sexperts".
Igniting passion is an integral part of keeping yourself and your intimate relationship healthy and happy.
This can be accomplished in many ways including daily flirting, intimate bonding behaviors, scheduling private time, and utilizing sexual assistance devices. Couples who experience new things together, both in and out of the bedroom, find new ways to connect and have more fun in their daily lives.
Many couples use assistive devices to enhance sexual health, creativity, and pleasure in the bedroom. However, introducing a new device within an existing relationship can be intimidating and difficult for some people.
It can be a difficult task to open up to your intimate partners about your erotic desires. It makes people feel vulnerable and fearful of being judged, criticized, or rejected. To start, agree to be open-minded and non-judgmental and then take turns sharing sexual fantasies. Express what the goal of the fantasy is and how you want to feel before, during, and afterward. Also, make sure to share any fears or concerns you might have. After sharing, you can then begin a dialogue about possibly making some (or parts of) the fantasies come true. Your partner should never pressure you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. If you feel you are being pressured or coerced into doing something you do not want to do, communicate this with your partner or seek professional help.
Another way to share how you want to be touched, loved, or stroked is to share your masturbation practices with your partner. This can be accomplished in a few different ways.
When a partner shares an erotic fantasy they are showing a very vulnerable side of themselves. It is very important to be receptive even if the shared fantasy does not sound interesting to you. Here are some ideas on how to respond to a partner who shares an erotic desire:
Saying no or that you aren't interested:
In order to have a great sexual relationship, it is not only your responsibility to communicate your desires with your significant other, but also to communicate your boundaries and limits. This should be accomplished through adult communication free of blame, criticism, and guilt-tripping. Much of this communication should happen outside of the bedroom, but sometimes you may need to set limits in the bedroom if you begin to feel uncomfortable. This can be accomplished by using safe-words. This is an uncommon word (purple, monkey, banana, etc.) that can be said in the middle of sex play that signifies that everything must stop and somebody needs to be taken care of. It may be a good idea to practice using your safe-word with your partner a few times.
Sometimes we are not always aware that something will make us feel uncomfortable or cause a flashback from something in our past. In order to fully let go and enjoy our pleasure, we need to be able to trust that our partner will be non-judgmental and take care of us in a time of need. To prepare for situations like this, set up a care plan with your partner for when someone uses a safe-word. A care-plan is meant to provide a plan of action to help take care of the person, which uses the safe word, in the specific way they wish. It may be helpful to write down a care-plan for each of you and keep it in your nightstand. Even if you never have to use the care-plan, it can make people feel more comfortable knowing that it is there.
"The stage for hot and nasty play is based on a platform of mutual care and respect."
— Easton & Hardy (2001). The New Bottoming Book.
Many people may want to surprise their partner with a new toy in the bedroom. Even though this may be fun for some, it is not advisable if this is a new endeavor or you are introducing a device somewhat outside the norm of you or your partner's traditional sexual experiences.
Communicating with your partner in advance about desires, needs, and boundaries is recommended for any sexual activity. This includes the use of sexual assistance devices. Open communication will build confidence, trust, and intimate connection so the two of you can better enjoy your intimate experiences.
There are many ways to help introduce new things into the bedroom such as: