Sex Education

Ask Beth: When I give my boyfriend oral, he doesn’t ejaculate. Am I doing something wrong?

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Hi, I’m Beth Boatman and I am a professional human sexuality educator and consultant dedicated to enlightening adults about all things related to sexuality.

My interest in sexuality started as a curious child who asked my parents LOTS of questions. Fortunately, my parents were excellent at providing me with both honest and age-appropriate information. While searching for my life goals in my early college years, I found my calling at Widener University, which houses the only fully accredited doctoral program in human sexuality in the country.

I am a lifelong resident of the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area and have provided individuals with sexuality education on topics ranging from sexually transmitted infection prevention to female ejaculation.

When I’m not teaching about sexuality I’m doing yoga, window-shopping at fancy grocery stores, spending time with people I love, and experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes.

Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, or online.

Q: When I give me boyfriend a blow job he doesn’t ejaculate. Am I doing something wrong?

A: It would seem that every guy is the same and with some firm up and down strokes any man would orgasm, but this is just way too simple of an answer. Every man is different, and needs different types of stimulation to have an orgasm. The best thing you can do is communicate with your partner about what type of sensations feel good to him and make him ejaculate. Because nobody knows how to make your partner cum like he does. For example, some men love licks to the head of their penis and some men don’t like it at all. You must communicate with him. However, overall there are a few tips and tricks to help you and your partner enjoy oral sex.

**Please use necessary protection as blow jobs can spread STDs (even if he doesn’t ejaculate)**

Tips and Tricks

  • Use your hand as an extension of your mouth. With your mouth around his penis (no teeth!) grasp the shaft with one of your hands.  You can use the other hand to gently fondle his testicles. As you slide your mouth up and down his penis, use your hand as an extension of your mouth and slide your hand up and down his penis with your mouth. Your mouth and hand should be doing the same rhythm and same up and down motion. Try not to separate your firmly grasped hand from your mouth. Use your hand to provide a firmer grasp on his penis. You could also use a male masturbator to help you grip and slide while giving head.
  • Use plenty of lube or saliva. Things should be very slippery and wet on his penis. You should easily be able to slide your hand up and down the shaft of his penis. You can even use flavored lubes so things will be nice and tasty.
  • Tease but then get down to business. Tease his entire body and focus on his package with tongue twists, hand strokes, and ball fondling. When he starts getting really hard and hot for you, put your mouth around his penis, grab the shaft with one hand, and firmly pump up and down in a rhythmic manner. Don’t stop to tease anymore once you have begun to do this. He needs constant and consistent stimulation in order to orgasm.
  • Love it and show off! This is about empowering you to please yourself by being the best at what you do. Be enthusiastic and show it! Love giving him a blow job and you will quickly become an oral sex master. Show him you can take control and give him a great view of your body by putting your booty in the air. Look up at him with that sexy look in your eyes and lick him up.

There are also many books that are dedicated to this very topic. Tickle His Pickle is a good book for learning how to give your guy the ultimate blow job. Also, know that not every man can orgasm from receiving a blow job. Some people just need harder and firmer stimulation than a mouth and hand can provide.

Ask Beth: Can I Make My Penis Larger?

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PaigeHi, I’m Beth Boatman and I am a professional human sexuality educator and consultant dedicated to enlightening adults about all things related to sexuality.

My interest in sexuality started as a curious child who asked my parents LOTS of questions. Fortunately, my parents were excellent at providing me with both honest and age-appropriate information. While searching for my life goals in my early college years, I found my calling at Widener University, which houses the only fully accredited doctoral program in human sexuality in the country.

I am a lifelong resident of the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area and have provided individuals with sexuality education on topics ranging from sexual transmitted infection prevention to female ejaculation.

When I’m not teaching about sexuality I’m doing yoga, window-shopping at fancy grocery stores, spending time with people I love, and experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes.

Connect with me @
Facebook.com/thesexconsultant
Twitter @SexConsultants
www.BethTheSexConsultant.com

Q: I want to make my penis larger. Is there a pill that works or a pump that works that won’t cost a lot?

Oh, penis enlargement! One of the most common questions asked by men but it’s next to impossible to get a straight answer. We are constantly bombarded by advertisements and gimmicks that promise “giant dicks” (especially on porn websites). Even I had to do some research and make sure my facts were straight on this one. Here is the truth on penis enlargement…

Ways to give your boy a boost:

Pills

The term “herbal” or “dietary supplement” means it’s not regulated by the FDA. This basically means there is no medical or clinical evidence to prove it has any effect on anything. All in all, you are wasting your money.

Be warned! These pills can interact with other medications so please advise your doctor/pharmacist if you are taking something to attempt to make your dick bigger. No matter how embarrassing it may be.

When it comes to prescriptions (Viagra, Cialis, etc) they are meant to give you an erection and will not make your cock larger.

Penis Pumps

The ones that work the best are the most expensive, but once again it does not make your schlong permanently larger. It only gives you an erection.

  • Pumps pull blood into your penis by vacuum pump. Then, when your penis is filled with blood you “tie” it off at the base with the provided band (basically a cock ring).
  • The ring prevents blood from returning to the body. You can only keep the ring on for a max of 30 minutes. Otherwise, you run the risk of starving your penis of oxygen-rich blood which will lead to tissue damage.
  • Often, there is a “hinging” effect on the penis while using the ring (the penis swings back and forth at the base).
  • This device is really just for men who have difficulties getting and maintaining an erection.

Male Traction Devices

A device you strap to your penis for an extended period of time to make it longer. Over time the device slowly stretches out the spongy material in the penis to give it length. There are a few different brands, but I believe SizeGenetics (~$400) is the only one backed up by a clinical study. Be prepared that this takes a lot of time and patience (months to a year) and sometimes you don’t get the results you want.

Surgery

There is also penile enlargement surgery. A surgeon will cut the ligament that holds the penis in its usual position and weights will be used to stretch it out. The procedure may result in scar tissue, the erection may point down, and the base of the penis will be hairy. Girth can be increased by injecting fat from other parts of the body into the penis. Sometimes this results in a bumpy and odd-looking texture. Many urologists won’t perform this type of surgery unless there are good therapeutic reasons.

Conclusion

There is no magic pill to make you have a bigger Johnson. Male traction devices and surgery are probably the only clinically proven (but expensive) ways to make your penis larger. Your cheapest and safest option would be to purchase a penis extender that fits over your penis during sex to make it seem larger. Seriously though, do you really need to make your penis bigger??

How Do Penis Pumps Work?

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According to data collected by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), Medicare has spent more than $240 million of taxpayer money on penis pumps for elderly men over the past decade, and will surpass a quarter of a billion dollars this year for costs since 2001. (Heartlander)

Doctors view the penis pump—or “vacuum constriction device,” as it’s called in the business—as a reasonable, low-cost treatment for erectile dysfunction. A report from the American Urological Association says that constriction devices might be useful in cases where PDE5-inhibitor drugs like Viagra are ineffective. Still, most men (or couples) don’t like using the penis pump: The report concludes that “low patient acceptability limits the application or use of this therapy.”

The device consists of an acrylic tube and a pumping mechanism, which can be a squeeze ball, a hand grip, a plunger, or an electric device. As the user pumps air out of the tube, the resulting vacuum increases blood flow into his erectile tissue. He then slides a “constriction ring” or cock ring over the base of his penis to maintain the erection when he removes the tube.

A vacuum erection may not always feel like the real thing. Various sources describe them as “spongy and semi-flaccid,” purplish in color, and sometimes cold or numb. But clinical studies still find high rates of satisfaction among those who receive the vacuum treatment for ED. (Researchers measure the effectiveness of a treatment by asking patients to rate their sexual experiences on the “International Index of Erectile Function.”)

The vacuum pumps have also proved successful in studies of penile rehabilitation. Certain procedures—like radical prostatectomies—can cause temporary impotence as a result of nerve damage. If you go long enough without a spontaneous erection, some of your penile tissue can atrophy, causing long-term dysfunction. It turns out that postoperative use of a penis pump may help stave off this damage.

Penis pumps are available over the counter, and some men without ED use them for masturbation or to increase their length or girth. To accomplish this latter goal, vendors suggest 30-minute sessions three or four times per week for a period of several months. The medical literature, however, does not support the idea that vacuum constriction will produce a lasting change in penis size.

If anything, overuse of the pump can damage the penis. The American Urological Association recommends only those devices that come with a “vacuum limiter,” which automatically lets in air if too much negative pressure builds in the tube. Excessive pumping without the vacuum limiter can cause penile bruising, or—in extreme cases—very serious tissue damage.  (Daniel Engber, Slate.com)

Does Intercourse Hurt? A Guide To Women’s Sexual Pain

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Sexual pain is common, but can usually be cured.

Published on May 15, 2012 by Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex

Many women suffer sexual pain, chronic genital pain independent of lovemaking, and/or pain duringsex. The landmark “Sex In America” survey estimates that sexual pain afflicts 20 percent of American women—15 percent before menopausal, 33 percent after.

Until recently, many doctors dismissed women’s genital pain (dyspareunia or vulvodynia) as “neurotic,” which left them doubly wounded—in pain and put down. Some men don’t believe women’s complaints of sexual pain. A few even believe that sex should hurt women. Wrong.

Pain is a mind-body experience with physical and emotional components. Stress, anxiety, and depression aggravate pain. It’s important to identify both the physical and psychological components because each responds to different treatments. If one component resists treatment, it may help to treat the other.

Sex should never hurt

Attention, men: Except for consensual BDSM, sex should never hurt. Some men feel so eager to plunge into intercourse that they dismiss women’s complaints of pain. Big mistake. If sex hurts her, she can’t become aroused, which means lousy sex for both of you.

Most sexual pain can be cured

In a two-year study, two-thirds of women with sexual pain reported significant improvement. The many causes include:

Lack of lubrication

Poorly lubricated intercourse is a major cause of women’s pain. Many perfectly normal women don’t produce much vaginal lubrication. After 40, as women become menopausal, lubrication problems become increasingly prevalent. Cunnilingus can supplement women’s natural vaginal lubrication. But any woman who feels dry and irritated should use a commercial lubricant—lots of it.

Nonsensual lovemaking

Before they can enjoy intercourse comfortably, most women need considerable warm-up time, 30 to 45 minutes. If men push in before women feel receptive, the women experience pain. Pain-free lovemaking is based on leisurely, playful, whole-body massage. Men should slow down, then slow down some more. Intercourse can wait. Give women all the time they need to become relaxed, aroused, and receptive. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, mutual whole-body massage, and oral sex before attempting intercourse.

Inserting too quickly or deeply

Even if women are well lubricated and feel highly aroused, they may experience pain if men push in too forcefully. Don’t imitate porn. The vagina is not a hollow space. It’s tightly folded muscle tissue that relaxes as women warm up to sex, and yields most comfortably when the penis enters slowly.

Deep insertion may also cause pain, especially during rear-entry (doggie style). To enjoy this position without pain, the man should remain still and allow the woman to back onto the penis at her own pace. This way, women can lalert men to the depth they can comfortably accommodate. And in the woman-on-top position, again, the man should remain still so the woman can sit down on him, controlling the speed and depth of insertion for her comfort.

Relationship issues

If relationships cause women emotional pain, sex may trigger physical pain. For relationship issues, consult a couples counselor or sex therapist (below).

Birth control pills

An expert says today’s birth control pills are “a leading causes of women’s sexual pain.” Andrew Goldstein, M.D., editor of Female Sexual Pain Disorders, says the Pill causes overproduction of sex hormone-binding globulin, which attaches to vulvar tissue, and causes biochemical changes that produce pain. Goldstein says that women with sexual pain should get off the Pill and take supplemental estrogen and androgens to normalize their levels. With this treatment, he says most women with Pill-related pain are cured in six months.

Vulvar skin conditions

Women’s external genital skin is sensitive to irritation from douching, pubic shaving, sunburn, latex allergy from condoms, or contact dermatitis from harsh or perfumed soaps, feminine hygiene products, or underwear made from synthetic fabrics. If the vulva appears red or irritated, consult a physician.

Sexually transmitted infections

Chlamydia, genital warts, and pelvic inflammatory disease may cause pain on intercourse. If pain persists despite increased sensuality and lubrication, see a doctor for screening.

Other vaginal infections

Vaginal yeast or bacterial infection (vaginosis) may cause sexual pain, which may feel worse the day after lovemaking. Women in pain should be tested.

Emotional and sexual trauma

It may take many years for early life trauma to manifest as pain. Sextherapy can help. So can the excellent book, Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines (Cleis Press).

Oxalate irritation

Some foods contain oxalates. Women sensitive to them may develop urethral irritation, which can cause pain. High-oxalates foods include: celery, coffee, chocolate, rhubarb, spinach, and strawberries. The Vulvar Pain Foundation (vulvarpainfoundation.org) publishes a more extensive list. It can take three to six months on a low-oxalate diet to experience improvement. Oxalate irritation may also improve with a calcium citrate supplement (Citracal).

Vaginismus

Vaginismus causes pelvic muscle spasm, which closes the vagina. In mild cases, intercourse causes discomfort. In severe cases, insertion is impossible and attempts cause sharp pain. Ask your doctor to check for vaginismus. It’s best treated by a physician-sex therapist team. Therapy includes Kegel exercises, biofeedback, and insertion of graduated dilator rods that gradually coax the vagina open.

Vulvar Vestibulitis (VV)

This poorly understood condition involves inflammation of the tiny vestibular glands inside the vagina. Testing for VV, involves pressing a Q-tip into this tissue. In women with VV, Q-tip pressure causes sharp pain. Some VV clears up with time and lubrication. Other treatments include: biofeedback, Kegel exercises, a low-oxalate diet, a support group, and surgery to remove the glands (vestibulectomy).

Other conditions

Women’s sexual pain may also be caused by: uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, and gynecological cancers. A work-up should investigate all of them.

For more on genital/sexual pain, contact: the International Pelvic Pain Society or the National Vulvodynia Association, or the Vulvar Pain Foundation. Or consult a sex therapist by visiting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

Message to men

If women complain of genital/sexual pain, don’t criticize them for sabotaging sex. Instead, slow things down, use lubricant, embrace whole-body caressing, and urge her to consult a physician. If that doesn’t resolve the problem, as a couple, consult a sex therapist. Remember, for great sex, intercourse is not necessary. You can enjoy mutual pleasure using your hands, tongues, and toys. Women appreciate men who take their pain seriously, men who are patient and supportive during its evaluation and treatment.

References:

Bergeron, S et al. “A Randomized Comparison of Group Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Biofeedback, and Vestibulectomy in the Treatment of Dyspareunia Resulting from Vulvar Vestibulitis,” Pain (2001) 91:297.

Binik, Y.M. et al. “Female Sexual Pain Disorders: Genital Pain or Sexual Dysfunction?” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2002) 31:425.

Dunn, K.M. et al. “Systematic Review of Sexual Problems: Epidemiology and Methodology,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2002) 28:399.

Graziottin, A. “Clinical Approach to Dyspareunia,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:489-501.

Graziottin, A. et al. “Vulvodynia: The Challenge of Unexplained Genital Pain,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:503-512.

Graziottin, A and L.A. Brotto. “Vulvar Vestibulitis: A Clinical Approach,”Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2004) 30:125.

4 Sex Positions Every Man Should Try

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As the classic comedy, Clerks famously quipped, it’s simple for men to reach orgasm. (“Insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.”)

But for her to reach the big O? Count the ways. According to the latest research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, vaginal and clitoral orgasms are, in fact, separate sensations.

Don’t obsess over the source of her pleasure, though—just try something new. Interest in testing out new positions actually makes a big difference in her pleasure and her arousal, explains Jen Landa, M.D., Chief Medical Officer of BodyLogicMD and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women.

Whether your goal is to give her a blended orgasm or target her G-spot, focus on vaginal pleasure or hone in on her clitoris, we’ve rounded up four positions that will help you perform like a pro in between the sheets.

For ultimate access to her clitoris, try: The Pretzel a.k.a. The Camel Ride

How it works: Kneel and straddle her left leg while she’s lying on her left side. From here, she should bend her right leg around the right side of your waist—allowing full access to her vagina. This position is an upgrade from standard missionary because this sets you up for deeper penetration and allows you to slow your roll.  “Most women find sex much more pleasurable when it’s not just constant thrusting,” says Landa. So spend some time exploring her body.  This setup gives you complete access to her clitoris for manual stimulation. But don’t feel limited to solely hands on fun. Try withdrawing your penis and, while holding the shaft with your left hand, rub the head against her clitoris. Start out soft and slow, then as you increase speed and pressure, reinsert once you’ve brought her to the brink of an orgasm.

For targeting her G-Spot, try: The Standing Dragon a.k.a. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Serpent

How it works: Position her on the edge of the bed, posing on all fours. As you stand behind her, have her arch her back so it lifts her butt upward. With your legs outside of hers, use your thighs to squeeze her knees together, which tightens her vagina around your penis. This position is ideal for G-spot stimulation and also gives you a great view of her curves.

For intensifying vaginal pleasure, you should try: The Flatiron a.k.a. Downward Dog

How it works: Have her lie face down on the bed with her knees slightly bent and hips slightly raised. For comfort, and to increase the angle of her hips, you can suggest placing a pillow under her lower abs. From here, enter her from behind and keep your weight off of her by propping yourself up with your arms. This position creates a snug fit—which intensifies her pleasure by making you feel larger to her. (A killer tip for you: You’ll last longer in this position if you switch to shallower thrusts and deeper breaths.)

For optimal dual pleasure, you should try: The Pole Position a.k.a. Thighmaster

How it works: Lie on your back and bend one of your legs, keeping the other outstretched. Have her straddle the raised leg with a thigh on either side and then lower herself onto your member so that her back is facing you. From here, she should hold your knee and use it for support as she rocks up and down. “This position is great, because it’s a lot like the reverse cowgirl, but with a twist,” says Landa. Raising your knee allows her to rub against your thigh—which produces optimal clitoral stimulation, says Landa.

Porn Addict Or Selfish Bastard?

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Porn Addict or Selfish Bastard? Life Is More Complicated Than That
By Dr. Marty Klein

I’m seeing an epidemic of “porn addiction” in my office. Not of porn addiction, but of “sex addiction.”

Here’s how it looks: Wife/girlfriend somehow assumes that husband/boyfriend does not watch porn (guess that’s what she means by “he’s one in a million”). One day, his porn watching comes to her attention (he leaves something on the screen, she searches his website history, he gets an email or bill from some friendly porn site, etc.).

She freaks.

She decides what his porn watching “means”:
* He doesn’t care for her
* He’s been faking sexual desire or enjoyment
* He’d rather be with other women (or men, or kangaroos, or whatever he’s been watching)
* He’s a pervert
* He’s unfaithful

Needless to say, these interpretations make his porn watching her business. And frequently, she decides she has the moral high ground from which to dictate what his problem is, the fact that he must get it fixed, and what the treatment needs to be. With slight variations, a new version of this case walks into my office almost every week.

In a different world, Mr. Porn Consumer would turn to Outraged Wife/Girlfriend and say “Wow, I can see that you’re really upset about what I’m watching. Let’s talk about it and see what we can do.” In the real world, however, most men are so loaded down with shame about their sexuality that the second their partner attacks them for watching porn, they collapse and allow their partner to seize control of the relationship.

She then drags him into my office so I can fix the poor guy. I’m supposed to turn him into a non-perverted, non-selfish, non-hiding, aroused-by-her-and-only-her ex-porn consumer.

I understand that some guys really have a problem with porn (I see these guys more than most therapists): some watch way too much, some have abandoned their partners emotionally, some think porn depicts real life (yeah, like the NBA depicts your local gym). But most guys who watch porn just, well, watch porn. And of course they hide it from their partner—because they assume their partner will hit the roof if she finds out.

While some women don’t, too many do. And these days they have a choice: they can decide their man is a selfish bastard, or they can give him the dignity of a medical problem—“porn addiction” (as a bonus, she acquires the dignity of suffering with a partner who’s ill.” A lot of guys like the disease option, too. If a wife claims that porn use is infidelity, if a girlfriend claims that porn use means he isn’t attracted to her, a disease is a good place to hide. It’s like a high school dropout being busted for car theft—and choosing to join the army instead of going to jail.

How much of the woman’s pain is really about him masturbating (the reason he uses porn, of course)? A lot of women insist that “as long as I’m sexually available to him, he has no reason to masturbate.” When pressed on this, they say he has no right—“he shouldn’t take his sexuality outside the relationship,” as if they’re jealous of his right hand.

If a woman has complaints about a guy’s behavior—he calls her the wrong name or daydreams during sex, never wants to talk about anything, checks his phone during dinner—those are legitimate grievances that need addressing. Couples therapy is a great place to do that. But if her complaint is simply that he uses porn, which she finds disgusting or confusing, that doesn’t give her the power to ban his hobby, or force him to defend it.

You can get a guy to promise to give up porn, and some guys actually will. You can even get a guy to promise to give up masturbating. A few actually will. The rest will do what they did when they were 14—they’ll do it in secret, feel bad about it, and hope they won’t get caught. And so a life of lying about sex continues. You can imagine what that will do to the couple’s closeness.

Sadly, some women will continue to blame the porn, rather than examine how they’ve used coercion to undermine intimacy.

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