Sex Education

The Importance of Communication in a Relationship

September 14, 2021 by Margaret Fry

For over the past 10 years, Velvet Box has helped thousands of people overcome sexual barriers so they can experience the connection and excitement they deserve and have always wanted. Today, we’re letting you in on sex therapists’ top tips on how to experience the connection and sexual fulfillment you’re looking for in your relationship. Enter: the importance of communication.

Why is communication important?

Communication is vital for building and sustaining a healthy relationship both in and outside of the bedroom. Lack of communication can lead to a disconnect between partners, even if it’s not obvious right away. Just as we strive to change the narrative around sex and sexual wellness through open dialogue, it’s important that you communicate with your partner (and yourself) about your personal and sexual needs and desires in order to nurture your relationship and avoid discourse now and in the future.

Here, with the help of Dr. Marty Klein’s “8 Ways to Put Sex Therapists Out of Business” article, we answer why having open communication about sex (and everything else!) with your partner is important and advice to get you started.

Communication closes the gap between questions and answers

Does your partner know how you like to be touched when having sex? Do they know that you need a little extra stimulation to orgasm? Do you know if your partner likes it when you go down on them? In the words of Dr. Klein, “the answer to many, many questions is simply ‘talk to your partner.’ And do it more than once.” Take the time to sit down and talk about these things with your partner outside of the bedroom. Chances are you aren’t the only one who has questions.

To get going, try bringing our Teach Me Your Love Language communication tool to the table. For those who need a little extra help (and that’s quite a lot of us!) to achieve a full orgasm, try adding one (or all) of these into the mix: We Vibe Pivot, Womanizer Premium Eco, Wicked Gel Lubricant.

Communication can lead to more sexual fulfillment

It’s totally normal to feel vulnerable or insecure about your (or your partner’s) desires and fantasies, but as long as everyone is on the same page with safety and consent, there’s no need to. According to Dr. Klein, a “fantasy is a way to ‘experience’ things without any real-world consequences. Thus, fantasy is a library of human sexual imagination. No one fantasizes about things they can easily do in real life.” Of course, your fantasies might seem weird at first – they’re from your imagination! If you have a desire or fantasy that can’t be lived out without the help of your partner, tell them about it and ask them if they have any you can help with, too. Try using our Sexual Interest Inventory communication tool to get started. You might find that you both fantasize about the same things, or create a new, shared fantasy altogether. It takes two to tango!

When exploring your fantasies or trying new things in the bedroom, remember to always practice Aftercare to ensure both parties involved feel safe, comfortable, and listened to.

Communication can help to overcome sexual setbacks

There are many reasons why penetrative sex may not be an option (erectile dysfunction, painful vagina, or someone just isn’t in the mood). So if you want intercourse but can’t have it, talking to your partner about trying out other options is far healthier for your relationship than just stopping in frustration. In the words of Dr. Klein, “if two people want to have sex, and they can’t do the thing they planned to do, there are plenty of alternatives.” Find out what intimate acts you can do to satisfy each other when penetrative sex isn’t an option. Is it massaging in a certain spot? Find out with our How to Touch Me tool. Is it adding the use of a toy? If so, sit down with your partner and explore all that we have to offer in the For Us category of our online shop.

So, what have we learned?

Above all else, always keep in mind our favorite phrase: communication is lubrication. And that applies to both in and outside of the bedroom. Communication is the basis of all human interaction, and having an open conversation about sex with your partner should be no different than asking them how their day went. However, we understand that isn’t always that simple. So if you need a little extra confidence to initiate a conversation, our communication tools are tremendously helpful.

Everyone deserves great sex, and you deserve to know what works for you. Get brave and come see us at one of our five Dallas-Fort Worth locations. We’re proud to help you.

Kegels for All!

June 21, 2021 by Velvet Box

Kegel exercises are an important part of pelvic health. Think of them as going to the gym, but for your pelvis. But, how? Well, with the help of our trusted sex-perts, we’re here to talk to you through all of your Kegel FAQS, including what they are, why they are important, and how to do them.

What are Kegel exercises?

Kegel exercises (or “Kegels”) are simple clench-and-release exercises that you can do 3 to 4 times a day to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. They are named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, an American gynecologist who noted that the pelvic floor muscles were weakened by childbirth.

Who are Kegel exercises for?

Everyone! Both penis and vulva owners can benefit from Kegel exercises.

Why are Kegel exercises important?

Weak pelvic floor muscles can lead to health issues, such as the inability to control your bladder or bowels, and Kegels help to reduce this issue (and more!).

By strengthening the pelvic floor muscles, kegel exercises are beneficial for:

Reducing urinary and fecal incontinence (from sneezing, coughing, or laughing)
Supporting more intense orgasms and ejaculation
Speeding the recovery of the pelvic floor post-pregnancy or surgery

For vulva owners, Kegel exercises can also improve sexual sensation. When the muscles are stronger, more blood flows to the area, improving sensation. For penis owners, they help support erectile function— Kegel exercises make it easier to achieve and maintain an erection.

How to do Kegel exercises for Vulva Owners

Start by finding the right muscles. To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream. If you succeed, you’ve got the right muscles. Imagine your pelvic floor muscles like an elevator rising in your body. Do not push.

Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, lie on your back.

Tighten your pelvic floor muscles and hold the contraction for 5 seconds and then relax for 5 seconds. Try it 4 or 5 times in a row.

Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks, and remember to breathe!

As an extra strengthening technique, you can add in the use of a Kegel & Pelvic Exerciser.

How to do Kegel exercises for Penis Owners

Start by finding the right muscles. To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream. If you succeed, you’ve got the right muscles.

Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, lie on your back. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, and hold the contraction for 5 seconds and then relax for 5 seconds. Try it 4 or 5 times in a row.

Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks, and avoid holding your breath.

You can also practice laying a washcloth over your penis and ‘bouncing’ it. Start with a dry cloth and as you work up in strength, you can use a wet one.

How often do I do Kegel exercises?

For both penis and vulva owners, the best practice is to aim for at least 3 sets of 10 repetitions a day. However, you know your body best. Keep in mind that this should be a challenge!

Once you’ve mastered the art of Kegels, you’ll realize that you can do them anytime and anyplace – while relaxing at home or even sitting at your desk.

Important note for all

Don’t make a habit of using Kegel exercises to start and stop your urine stream. can actually weaken the muscles and lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder, increasing the risk of urinary tract infection.

Resources

Have questions or need more guidance? Stop by one of our five Velvet Box locations to talk to one of our sexual health specialists. Would rather stay home? Watch this video for the best how-to for kegel exercises, which we use in our associate training!

Redefining Sex Podcast with Dr. Celeste Holbrook

March 18, 2021 by Lauren Cockerell

This Women’s History Month, we want to talk about redefining sex. If you spent your formative years being told that sex was dirty or shameful, or that sex was only penetrative intercourse, or a variety of other harmful, negative stories, then it’s time to pivot.

We invite you to listen to a wonderful podcast featuring our resident sex educator Dr. Celeste Holbrook with host My So-Called Fabulous with Tiffany Blackmon. It’s a brave, vulnerable conversation about redefining sex, regardless of what stage of life you’re in. We highly recommend you check it out right away before hopping in between the sheets!

From Purity Culture To Pleasure

October 16, 2020 by Lauren Cockerell

How purity culture can affect adult sexuality, and how you can heal from it.

Over the past 10 years, Velvet Box has been helping thousands of people overcome sexual stigma and experience connection, education and excitement. And, as we continue this journey with you, we are excited to announce that we are diving into a new topic with the help of instructor Dr. Celeste Holbrook: today we’re talking about purity culture, and how it can affect adult sexuality.

So, what exactly is “purity culture”, how does it affect sexuality, and how can you heal from it?

What is purity culture?

Over on her blog and on a variety of podcasts, Dr. Holbrook has been discussing the modern purity culture and how it has affected the sexual education and sexuality of individuals since the “free love” movement of the 1960s. This propelled a counter era of the late ‘80’s and 90’s based on the evangelical Christian message of sexual “purity”. “Out of this need for control over Christian sex grew ‘purity culture,’ or the idea that one could be ‘pure’ in the eyes of God by refraining from sexual thought or action until the wedding night,” stated Holbrook in her blog.

How purity culture can affect sexuality?

Messages of purity can have a deep and long term effect on sexual thoughts, behaviors and confidence. After listening to more than 10,000 women, Holbrook studied Religious Trauma Syndrome and found significant connections between purity messaging in youth and sexuality as an adult. “I see many women in my practice who experience low libido and painful sex. Most of them have a background of messages that indicate sex is dangerous,” Holbrook states in her “Sex is dangerous, they said” post. Other messages include “You are responsible for arousing men sexually,” which can lead to “sex feels like a responsibility or a chore – something on the to-do list.” Sound familiar?

How to heal from purity culture?

While the modern “purity culture” has evolved over the past 40 years, the idea of social purity dates back to the beginning of the 19th century. How does one overcome an ideology ingrained in our culture for the past 220 years? We’ve outlined a few tips to help you begin your journey to pleasure, from education and classes to toys and intimacy advice.

Take the time to dive into Dr. Celeste Holbrook’s research on the purity culture via the links below:

Stop by one of our five Velvet Box locations to talk to one of our intimacy specialists.

Check out the following communication tools and recommended toys.

Communication Tools

Here are two great worksheets to help you communicate your desires and your comfort.

Sexual Interest Inventory

How to Touch Me

Ideal Toys for Getting Started

Lubricant

It is a myth that a woman’s natural lubrication will show up on cue (similar to the myth that a man can always achieve or maintain an erection when he wants to). So it’s handy to always keep a bottle of lube nearby for when you are ready for play. Lubricant can also help if you are experiencing pain or discomfort during sex because it creates a barrier between the skin and significantly reduces friction and micro-tearing. Think of it like oil for your engine; you want those pistons running smoothly. I suggest a hybrid lubricant – either the gels or the creams – because they are very wet, and they tend to last longer because of their thicker consistency. Also, they are compatible with silicone toys.

Bullet

Society has always been harder on a woman’s personal sexual exploration than they are on a man’s. As a result, many women have never learned to masturbate. If you don’t know what works for you, then you’ll struggle to show your partner what you like and need. Fun fact: over 80% of women achieve orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone. If you are one of those women (and you likely are), then you need a bullet. A bullet is your best friend. They are small, discrete, and typically more powerful than they look. Plus, you can use it to explore pleasure points all over the body. Bullets come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and can be used with your partner or on your own. We recommend that you use it on your own first, because knowing your body and what feels good for you is essential to communicating your needs to your partner. Plus, hey, we all deserve some quality alone-time, right? (The Femme Funn Booster Bullet pictured here is available in Velvet Box stores.)

Vibrating C-Ring

As we mentioned before, over 80% of women achieve orgasm by clitoral stimulation alone. Unfortunately, the clitoris is on the outside of the body and doesn’t always get the attention it deserves during typical intercourse. Then some genius (probably a woman) strapped a vibrator to a penis, and the world was never the same. A vibrating c-ring provides hands-free clitoral stimulation during sex, suddenly making the missionary position a lot more fun. There are so many benefits to a vibrating c-ring. Firstly the ring itself acts as a tourniquet, locking blood into the penis for a firmer, harder, more engorged erection. Then the vibrator sends vibrations through the penis, which is very pleasurable for the wearer and the recipient. Lastly, the vibrator massages the clitoris during sex, giving the clitoris all the attention it deserves. Remember to keep the vibe in contact with the clitoris, so think more grinding, less humping and pumping.

Sex Games

If you want to start exploring the vast and exciting world of sexual pleasure, but you don’t know where to start, then try picking up a sex game. These games are designed to help you spice up your sex life. If you don’t know what to do, start at the literal square one of a board game. Or roll the dice; we promise someone will get lucky, and we are willing to bet it’s both of you. Sex games are also great conversation starters; not only should you talk about trying whatever the card told you to beforehand, we recommend that you talk about the experience after the fact, too. Aftercare is an essential and often overlooked part of healthy sex. Be honest and talk about it. Michael Jordan wasn’t born the best basketball player in the world; it took practice. So think of this as practice: huddle and discuss the next play, and maybe even make time for two-a-days.

BDSM

BDSM gets a bad rep even though more than 40% of couples have experimented with some form of it at some point in their lives. Some people may think BDSM is about control or pain, and although that can exist, it’s mostly about exploring the limits of pleasure. Try something easy, like a blindfold and some velcro restraints, and think about it as relaxing into the experience rather than fighting it. Restraints are meant to ground you, not to be fought against like a victim in a Taken movie. (Although, that sort of role play can be explored as well. You do you, boo.) Wouldn’t it be nice to relax and have your partner pleasure you? The most important parts of this kind of play are clearly communicating your wants and needs, creating limits and boundaries, and setting a safe word. Then honor those boundaries. Don’t break your partner’s trust because you think it’s funny, or you’ll risk losing access to an entire world of fetishes that you can explore together.

We-Vibe Chorus

We can’t talk about couples’ sex and not mention the number one couples toy in the world, the We-Vibe Chorus. Similar to the vibrating C-ring, the Chorus provides hands-free clitoral stimulation during sex. But, unlike the c-ring, the Chorus is worn by the woman, provides constant clitoral stimulation, and stimulates the g-spot while also gliding along the penis during intercourse. This toy does it all. It can be a panty vibe, a solo toy, and it is ideal for foreplay. It’s also submersible waterproof, remote-controlled, and it has an app! That’s right, it has a smartphone app that allows you to do all sorts of cool stuff, but most importantly, it allows you to play with your partner from anywhere in the world.

Silver Sex – Your Best Sex Is Still Ahead of You!

September 25, 2020 by Lauren Cockerell

Some people may say or think that sex is a young person’s game. But, with a little imagination (and maybe a visit to your friendly Velvet Box store), we say that senior sex, or “Silver Sex,” is something to look forward to! Yes, your body and your desire may change, but we’re here to help you embrace your changing sexuality.

A few tips to get you started:

Take an Online Class

A class?! Yes! We host online classes you can join anonymously from the privacy of your home 2-3 times per month for just $10 per class. (Check out our schedule here.) These are a great way to spark your curiosity, learn something new, and connect with your partner.

Communicate With Your Partner

You already know this, but open communication is critical to a great sex life, whether you’ve been together decades or weeks. If your needs and wants have changed (or you’ve never been able to express your desires), but you’re struggling to find the words, check our Communication Tools to help guide your conversation. To begin, we recommend:

Spice Up the Toy Box

Whether you want to shop online or come see one of our amazing, friendly, helpful sex-perts at one of our 5 DFW-area stores, here are a few lubricant and toy recommendations to help make your senior sex experience all the more pleasurable and comfortable.

Wicked Simply Hybrid

First things first – lube! Creamy hybrid lubricants like Wicked Simply Hybrid are great because they have the benefits of both water-based and silicone-based lubes and almost none of the disadvantages. Creamy hybrid lubes are long-lasting, usually tasteless, rarely sticky, and can double as a daily moisturizer for vaginal dryness as well as a fantastic personal lubricant for sex. Wicked Simply Hybrid has clean cosmetic grade packaging and an easy to use pump cap that disperses just the right amount of lube (but feel free to use as much as you need!). Hybrid lubes are safe for all toy materials.

We-Vibe Pivot

The Pivot is a vibrating c-ring, which is a couple’s toy that the male wears around the base of the penis. The ring itself is made of durable medical-grade silicone, which will restrict blood flow to the penis, which helps create a firmer erection. Then the vibrator on the top provides hands-free clitoral stimulation during sex and also sends waves of vibration through the penis. Ultimately, it is an external vibrator that can be used anywhere on the body, so use your imagination! One cool trick is to wrap the ring around your fingers with the Pivot in the palm of your hand so that you can use your vibrating fingers to stimulate your partner. Can you say “magic fingers”?!

Optimum Series – Automatic Smart Pump

This auto pump is actually multiple toys in one package. First, it’s a penis pump. The user inserts their penis into the canister and presses it firmly against the pelvis creating an airtight seal. Then the automatic pump will suck all the air out of the toy and simultaneously pull more blood into the penis, helping to create a firm erection. Once the user has achieved the firmness of the erection desired, they can remove the pump and put on a C-ring to lock the blood in place.

Secondly, this toy comes with a soft masturbation sleeve. For this purpose, the user can apply lube to the penis and the toy and follow the same steps, only this time, they can stroke the penis and received simulated oral sex. This product is great for penis-owners who may have erectile dysfunction. Not only does the pump help achieve an erection, but even if you are not able to achieve full mast, you can still experience tremendous pleasure from the suction and textured sleeve.

Femme Fun Ultra Wand

The ultra wand is an ideal senior sex toy: it’s lightweight, quiet, powerful, and discrete. The toy itself is actually a small body massager, so if your kids find it, you can just claim to have a sore neck. The entire toy is coated in medical-grade silicone that helps with gripping the toy, so if you have any dexterity issues, this toy is right for you. Not to mention the powerful vibrating head is ideal for providing external, clitoral stimulation, even if you have lost some sensitivity in that area. (Our Femme Fun products are available only in Velvet Box stores.)

Womanizer Premium

The Womanizer Premium uses air pleasure technology to provide clitoral stimulation as you have never experienced before. Simply place the open face of the tip of the toy directly over the clitoris and create an airtight seal against the skin, turn it on and hang on for the ride. Not that it’s a long ride… the Womanizer Premium can give a woman a very intense clitoral orgasm in a matter of minutes. Some women even experience such powerful orgasms that they even experience female ejaculation. How’s that for spicing things up?

Thigh Strap-on Harness and attachment

The thigh strap-on is an excellent alternative for someone unable to participate in typical penetrative sex. Not only does the thigh strap allow you to experience many sexual positions, but it also allows you to have access to your genitals, unlike other hollow strap-ons. With the thigh strap-on, you can still experience sexual stimulation while your partner gets to experience more typical penetrative sex.

Remember that your mind is your largest sex organ, and you can receive pleasure just from knowing that you are providing pleasure to your partner.

Think outside the box of typical senior sex and dive into the endless wonders of toys while you build intimacy and pleasure for the best sex of your life!

Let’s Talk About Sex – Does Sex Really Sell?

March 4, 2019 by Velvet Box

Does sex really sell? Sure you can use sex to sell everything from burgers to dental care, but can you use sex to sell a healthy sex education? In this episode of Let’s Talk About Sex with Dr. Celeste Holbrook, we talk about sex in marketing, talking to your kids about sex & Grace’s golden rule of sex and life.

Check out Let’s Talk About Sex with Dr. Celeste Holbrook every Wednesday here.