MENU

For Us

Ask Beth: How do I delicately broach the subject of anal play with my wife?

by

Paige

Hi, I’m Beth Boatman and I am a professional human sexuality educator and consultant dedicated to enlightening adults about all things related to sexuality.

My interest in sexuality started as a curious child who asked my parents LOTS of questions. Fortunately, my parents were excellent at providing me with both honest and age-appropriate information. While searching for my life goals in my early college years, I found my calling at Widener University, which houses the only fully accredited doctoral program in human sexuality in the country.

I am a lifelong resident of the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area and have provided individuals with sexuality education on topics ranging from sexually transmitted infection prevention to female ejaculation.

When I’m not teaching about sexuality I’m doing yoga, window-shopping at fancy grocery stores, spending time with people I love, and experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes.

Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, or online.

Q: How do I delicately broach the subject of anal play with my wife?

A: Talking about anal play with your significant other can seem tricky, but it’s all about in the way you bring it up. 

Here is some helpful hint to get you started:

  • Let her know that you want to take some time and experiment with her.
  • Promise her that you will go slow and listen carefully to her needs and wants.
  • Explain that your not looking to engage in deep anal sex, but you would like to play around to see if other things in and around the anus feel good to her. (It’s highly possible that it will)
  • You can even attend a class or buy a book about anal sex to learn together. Learning more about anal play with you will mostly likely greatly enhance her comfort level.
  • Purchase a beginners anal toy and anal lube.

Also, its important that you play when both of you are sober (maybe like one glass of wine but that’s it). Being intoxicated numbs the body and this can be really bad during anal sex. If something hurts you need to know. Otherwise, you could really do some damage.

By the way, the reason she jumps if you accidentally “prod the outside of it during a mid-sex slip-up” is because the anus needs to be massaged and rubbed first in order to be penetrated (even with a pinky finger). An accidental “slip-up” makes even anal sex pros jump.

Ask Beth: When I give my boyfriend oral, he doesn’t ejaculate. Am I doing something wrong?

by

Hi, I’m Beth Boatman and I am a professional human sexuality educator and consultant dedicated to enlightening adults about all things related to sexuality.

My interest in sexuality started as a curious child who asked my parents LOTS of questions. Fortunately, my parents were excellent at providing me with both honest and age-appropriate information. While searching for my life goals in my early college years, I found my calling at Widener University, which houses the only fully accredited doctoral program in human sexuality in the country.

I am a lifelong resident of the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas area and have provided individuals with sexuality education on topics ranging from sexually transmitted infection prevention to female ejaculation.

When I’m not teaching about sexuality I’m doing yoga, window-shopping at fancy grocery stores, spending time with people I love, and experimenting in the kitchen with new recipes.

Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, or online.

Q: When I give me boyfriend a blow job he doesn’t ejaculate. Am I doing something wrong?

A: It would seem that every guy is the same and with some firm up and down strokes any man would orgasm, but this is just way too simple of an answer. Every man is different, and needs different types of stimulation to have an orgasm. The best thing you can do is communicate with your partner about what type of sensations feel good to him and make him ejaculate. Because nobody knows how to make your partner cum like he does. For example, some men love licks to the head of their penis and some men don’t like it at all. You must communicate with him. However, overall there are a few tips and tricks to help you and your partner enjoy oral sex.

**Please use necessary protection as blow jobs can spread STDs (even if he doesn’t ejaculate)**

Tips and Tricks

  • Use your hand as an extension of your mouth. With your mouth around his penis (no teeth!) grasp the shaft with one of your hands.  You can use the other hand to gently fondle his testicles. As you slide your mouth up and down his penis, use your hand as an extension of your mouth and slide your hand up and down his penis with your mouth. Your mouth and hand should be doing the same rhythm and same up and down motion. Try not to separate your firmly grasped hand from your mouth. Use your hand to provide a firmer grasp on his penis. You could also use a male masturbator to help you grip and slide while giving head.
  • Use plenty of lube or saliva. Things should be very slippery and wet on his penis. You should easily be able to slide your hand up and down the shaft of his penis. You can even use flavored lubes so things will be nice and tasty.
  • Tease but then get down to business. Tease his entire body and focus on his package with tongue twists, hand strokes, and ball fondling. When he starts getting really hard and hot for you, put your mouth around his penis, grab the shaft with one hand, and firmly pump up and down in a rhythmic manner. Don’t stop to tease anymore once you have begun to do this. He needs constant and consistent stimulation in order to orgasm.
  • Love it and show off! This is about empowering you to please yourself by being the best at what you do. Be enthusiastic and show it! Love giving him a blow job and you will quickly become an oral sex master. Show him you can take control and give him a great view of your body by putting your booty in the air. Look up at him with that sexy look in your eyes and lick him up.

There are also many books that are dedicated to this very topic. Tickle His Pickle is a good book for learning how to give your guy the ultimate blow job. Also, know that not every man can orgasm from receiving a blow job. Some people just need harder and firmer stimulation than a mouth and hand can provide.

Bondage Tape For Beginners

by

Sexy, shiny bondage tape sticks only to itself, not to hair or skin, making it easy to put on and quick and painless to remove. No need to tie knots – just overlap ends and press firmly to fasten. Tape stays where it’s put and holds strong until you unwrap it. This PVC tape can be reused over and over again!

Product Details:

  • Length: 65ft/19.8m
  • Width: 2in/5cm
  • Available in Black, Red, and Pink
  • Reusable and non-sticky!

Safety and Use:

  • Keep a set of safety scissors, such as our Curb Tipped Safety Scissors handy for quick release in case of an emergency.
  • Never leave a bound person on unattended or in the same position for extended periods of time.
  • Not designed for use in suspension or other weight-bearing bondage.
  • Leave room to slide a finger between tape and skin and check bound body parts to make sure they are not cold or numb.
  • Never cover the mouth or nose, or wrap bondage tape around the neck.

Sliquid Sea

by

Sliquid Sea feels like moisture straight from the aloe vera plant!  This is a winner!

Sliquid Sea is a water based and water soluble personal lubricant, blended with hand selected natural seaweed extracts. Each extract provides an added boost for your health: Carrageenan, while also being one of natures most effective natural lubricants, has also been shown to reduce the transmission of HPV (Human Pappilomavirus). Wakame is a seaweed that contains B vitamins, and reduces inflammation and improves elasticity in your skin. Nori is an algae that prevents oxidation of the skin and is a very effective natural moisturizer. Together, these natural extracts of the sea blend with our Naturals H2O lubricant, to provide a slippery, sensual lubricant with the natural healing properties of the sea.

Ingredients: Purified Water, Plant Cellulose (from Cotton, Cyamopsis (Guar Conditioners, Carrageenan, Wakame, Nori, Potassium Sorbate

  • Water Based and Water Soluble
  • 100% Vegan friendly
  • Long lasting and easy to clean up
  • Glycerin free and paraben free
  • Hypoallergenic and non-toxic
  • Blended with hand selected seaweed extracts
  • Non-staining, unflavored, and unscented
  • Uniquely blended to enhance your body’s own natural lubrication

Does Intercourse Hurt? A Guide To Women’s Sexual Pain

by

Sexual pain is common, but can usually be cured.

Published on May 15, 2012 by Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex

Many women suffer sexual pain, chronic genital pain independent of lovemaking, and/or pain duringsex. The landmark “Sex In America” survey estimates that sexual pain afflicts 20 percent of American women—15 percent before menopausal, 33 percent after.

Until recently, many doctors dismissed women’s genital pain (dyspareunia or vulvodynia) as “neurotic,” which left them doubly wounded—in pain and put down. Some men don’t believe women’s complaints of sexual pain. A few even believe that sex should hurt women. Wrong.

Pain is a mind-body experience with physical and emotional components. Stress, anxiety, and depression aggravate pain. It’s important to identify both the physical and psychological components because each responds to different treatments. If one component resists treatment, it may help to treat the other.

Sex should never hurt

Attention, men: Except for consensual BDSM, sex should never hurt. Some men feel so eager to plunge into intercourse that they dismiss women’s complaints of pain. Big mistake. If sex hurts her, she can’t become aroused, which means lousy sex for both of you.

Most sexual pain can be cured

In a two-year study, two-thirds of women with sexual pain reported significant improvement. The many causes include:

Lack of lubrication

Poorly lubricated intercourse is a major cause of women’s pain. Many perfectly normal women don’t produce much vaginal lubrication. After 40, as women become menopausal, lubrication problems become increasingly prevalent. Cunnilingus can supplement women’s natural vaginal lubrication. But any woman who feels dry and irritated should use a commercial lubricant—lots of it.

Nonsensual lovemaking

Before they can enjoy intercourse comfortably, most women need considerable warm-up time, 30 to 45 minutes. If men push in before women feel receptive, the women experience pain. Pain-free lovemaking is based on leisurely, playful, whole-body massage. Men should slow down, then slow down some more. Intercourse can wait. Give women all the time they need to become relaxed, aroused, and receptive. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, mutual whole-body massage, and oral sex before attempting intercourse.

Inserting too quickly or deeply

Even if women are well lubricated and feel highly aroused, they may experience pain if men push in too forcefully. Don’t imitate porn. The vagina is not a hollow space. It’s tightly folded muscle tissue that relaxes as women warm up to sex, and yields most comfortably when the penis enters slowly.

Deep insertion may also cause pain, especially during rear-entry (doggie style). To enjoy this position without pain, the man should remain still and allow the woman to back onto the penis at her own pace. This way, women can lalert men to the depth they can comfortably accommodate. And in the woman-on-top position, again, the man should remain still so the woman can sit down on him, controlling the speed and depth of insertion for her comfort.

Relationship issues

If relationships cause women emotional pain, sex may trigger physical pain. For relationship issues, consult a couples counselor or sex therapist (below).

Birth control pills

An expert says today’s birth control pills are “a leading causes of women’s sexual pain.” Andrew Goldstein, M.D., editor of Female Sexual Pain Disorders, says the Pill causes overproduction of sex hormone-binding globulin, which attaches to vulvar tissue, and causes biochemical changes that produce pain. Goldstein says that women with sexual pain should get off the Pill and take supplemental estrogen and androgens to normalize their levels. With this treatment, he says most women with Pill-related pain are cured in six months.

Vulvar skin conditions

Women’s external genital skin is sensitive to irritation from douching, pubic shaving, sunburn, latex allergy from condoms, or contact dermatitis from harsh or perfumed soaps, feminine hygiene products, or underwear made from synthetic fabrics. If the vulva appears red or irritated, consult a physician.

Sexually transmitted infections

Chlamydia, genital warts, and pelvic inflammatory disease may cause pain on intercourse. If pain persists despite increased sensuality and lubrication, see a doctor for screening.

Other vaginal infections

Vaginal yeast or bacterial infection (vaginosis) may cause sexual pain, which may feel worse the day after lovemaking. Women in pain should be tested.

Emotional and sexual trauma

It may take many years for early life trauma to manifest as pain. Sextherapy can help. So can the excellent book, Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines (Cleis Press).

Oxalate irritation

Some foods contain oxalates. Women sensitive to them may develop urethral irritation, which can cause pain. High-oxalates foods include: celery, coffee, chocolate, rhubarb, spinach, and strawberries. The Vulvar Pain Foundation (vulvarpainfoundation.org) publishes a more extensive list. It can take three to six months on a low-oxalate diet to experience improvement. Oxalate irritation may also improve with a calcium citrate supplement (Citracal).

Vaginismus

Vaginismus causes pelvic muscle spasm, which closes the vagina. In mild cases, intercourse causes discomfort. In severe cases, insertion is impossible and attempts cause sharp pain. Ask your doctor to check for vaginismus. It’s best treated by a physician-sex therapist team. Therapy includes Kegel exercises, biofeedback, and insertion of graduated dilator rods that gradually coax the vagina open.

Vulvar Vestibulitis (VV)

This poorly understood condition involves inflammation of the tiny vestibular glands inside the vagina. Testing for VV, involves pressing a Q-tip into this tissue. In women with VV, Q-tip pressure causes sharp pain. Some VV clears up with time and lubrication. Other treatments include: biofeedback, Kegel exercises, a low-oxalate diet, a support group, and surgery to remove the glands (vestibulectomy).

Other conditions

Women’s sexual pain may also be caused by: uterine prolapse, endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, and gynecological cancers. A work-up should investigate all of them.

For more on genital/sexual pain, contact: the International Pelvic Pain Society or the National Vulvodynia Association, or the Vulvar Pain Foundation. Or consult a sex therapist by visiting the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

Message to men

If women complain of genital/sexual pain, don’t criticize them for sabotaging sex. Instead, slow things down, use lubricant, embrace whole-body caressing, and urge her to consult a physician. If that doesn’t resolve the problem, as a couple, consult a sex therapist. Remember, for great sex, intercourse is not necessary. You can enjoy mutual pleasure using your hands, tongues, and toys. Women appreciate men who take their pain seriously, men who are patient and supportive during its evaluation and treatment.

References:

Bergeron, S et al. “A Randomized Comparison of Group Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Biofeedback, and Vestibulectomy in the Treatment of Dyspareunia Resulting from Vulvar Vestibulitis,” Pain (2001) 91:297.

Binik, Y.M. et al. “Female Sexual Pain Disorders: Genital Pain or Sexual Dysfunction?” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2002) 31:425.

Dunn, K.M. et al. “Systematic Review of Sexual Problems: Epidemiology and Methodology,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2002) 28:399.

Graziottin, A. “Clinical Approach to Dyspareunia,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:489-501.

Graziottin, A. et al. “Vulvodynia: The Challenge of Unexplained Genital Pain,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:503-512.

Graziottin, A and L.A. Brotto. “Vulvar Vestibulitis: A Clinical Approach,”Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2004) 30:125.

4 Sex Positions Every Man Should Try

by

As the classic comedy, Clerks famously quipped, it’s simple for men to reach orgasm. (“Insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.”)

But for her to reach the big O? Count the ways. According to the latest research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, vaginal and clitoral orgasms are, in fact, separate sensations.

Don’t obsess over the source of her pleasure, though—just try something new. Interest in testing out new positions actually makes a big difference in her pleasure and her arousal, explains Jen Landa, M.D., Chief Medical Officer of BodyLogicMD and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women.

Whether your goal is to give her a blended orgasm or target her G-spot, focus on vaginal pleasure or hone in on her clitoris, we’ve rounded up four positions that will help you perform like a pro in between the sheets.

For ultimate access to her clitoris, try: The Pretzel a.k.a. The Camel Ride

How it works: Kneel and straddle her left leg while she’s lying on her left side. From here, she should bend her right leg around the right side of your waist—allowing full access to her vagina. This position is an upgrade from standard missionary because this sets you up for deeper penetration and allows you to slow your roll.  “Most women find sex much more pleasurable when it’s not just constant thrusting,” says Landa. So spend some time exploring her body.  This setup gives you complete access to her clitoris for manual stimulation. But don’t feel limited to solely hands on fun. Try withdrawing your penis and, while holding the shaft with your left hand, rub the head against her clitoris. Start out soft and slow, then as you increase speed and pressure, reinsert once you’ve brought her to the brink of an orgasm.

For targeting her G-Spot, try: The Standing Dragon a.k.a. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Serpent

How it works: Position her on the edge of the bed, posing on all fours. As you stand behind her, have her arch her back so it lifts her butt upward. With your legs outside of hers, use your thighs to squeeze her knees together, which tightens her vagina around your penis. This position is ideal for G-spot stimulation and also gives you a great view of her curves.

For intensifying vaginal pleasure, you should try: The Flatiron a.k.a. Downward Dog

How it works: Have her lie face down on the bed with her knees slightly bent and hips slightly raised. For comfort, and to increase the angle of her hips, you can suggest placing a pillow under her lower abs. From here, enter her from behind and keep your weight off of her by propping yourself up with your arms. This position creates a snug fit—which intensifies her pleasure by making you feel larger to her. (A killer tip for you: You’ll last longer in this position if you switch to shallower thrusts and deeper breaths.)

For optimal dual pleasure, you should try: The Pole Position a.k.a. Thighmaster

How it works: Lie on your back and bend one of your legs, keeping the other outstretched. Have her straddle the raised leg with a thigh on either side and then lower herself onto your member so that her back is facing you. From here, she should hold your knee and use it for support as she rocks up and down. “This position is great, because it’s a lot like the reverse cowgirl, but with a twist,” says Landa. Raising your knee allows her to rub against your thigh—which produces optimal clitoral stimulation, says Landa.