Building Intimacy through Eye Gazing: An Exercise

It can often be difficult to feel truly connected during sex. Your mind can wander. Sometimes it feels like a task or chore that we are just checking off the list. You just don’t feel as present as you’d like to. Sound familiar?

According to Sex Therapist Dr. Celeste Holbrook, being present is the key to sensuality. Sensuality is by definition “enjoying your senses.” But you cannot enjoy your senses in the future or in the past. You have to be in the moment. 

Here, Dr. Holbrook has provided a quick exercise to sink into the moment prior to sex with your partner using your sense of vision. It is an eye gazing exercise that helps you direct your most highly relied upon sense (your eyesight) into the present. Note: This is a very intimate activity, so only start with 10 seconds.

Here is how you do it:

  1. Sit down comfortably, facing your partner.
  2. Set the timer. You may choose anywhere from 10 seconds to 10 minutes. Start with a time that feels comfortable but somewhat challenging and work up. The longer, the more powerful the experience.
  3. Gaze into the eyes of your partner. You can blink at any point, it’s not a staring competition.
  4. If you get distracted, simply bring back your awareness to the eyes of your partner.
  5. After the experience is over, grab a piece of paper and draw / write about how you are feeling.
  6. Talk about the experience with your partner…you may want to write down a few things in your journal immediately and talk about the experience later. That is okay. Just be sure to debrief at some point.

A note from Dr. Holbrook

Please know that this can be uncomfortable. If you think about it, we don’t sit and look at each other without the help of words to smooth the depth of the connection. But the important part is that you try. Try connecting in this way, on your bed, clothes on or off, before sex. After you get more comfortable with it, it will feel like a beautiful, intimate reset button. It is grounding, it is connective and it is happy!

You deserve to experience the intimacy you’re longing for, and Velvet Box is proud to provide you with resources to further your journey. For more information on building intimacy with your partner, view our Building Intimacy Checklist.

Everyone deserves great sex, and you deserve to know what works for you. Get brave and come see us at one of our five Dallas-Fort Worth locations. We’re proud to help you.